And I thought Massage CHAIRS were great...

On saturday, at approximately 11:13, I experienced my first ever full body massage. At Christmas me and Donna received a certificate for a free one hour massage from a dad who works at this chiropractic clinic. When we first got it, we were kind of worried that it would be sammy’s dad that would be performing the massage on our less-than-clad selves. That led to considerable delay in attempting to set up an appointment. We only recently remembered that the certificates expired, today actually. So last week I called and set up my appointment, slightly nervous but also excited.

I arrived a little early, and waited out in my car for a few minutes steeling my nerves for...whatever...The place had the generic health clinic feel, a bit 70s-ish. Brown carpet, brown wood siding, brown chairs, brown clocks. The place was dead quiet, spookily so. I waited in a chair and read about how regular visits to your chiropractor can help prevent heart disease and other maladies. I thought only dentists could do that.

The masseuesesse named Jessica came up to me and wisely surmised that I “must be Lindsey.” I followed her down a longish hallway of exam rooms full of contraptions resembling exercise equipment. I can only assume that they are for aligning spines. We entered the massage chamber...where I saw......
Just kidding. Actually, it was just a room, like an exam room, only it had a massage bed and candles, charts of backs and bodies and new agey music playing in the background. So Jessica asked me if I’d ever had a massage before, I said nooooooo. She said they’re pretty relaxing...hmm, yes so I’ve heard. I was also asked if I had any “problem areas” that she should know about. I stupidly told her that sometimes if I slept funny, my neck hurt when I woke up. She wisely ignored that comment, and told me what she’d be doing, 25 minutes on my back, followed by my arms and legs and then ending with my neck. Then she told me to take off my clothes but I could “go ahead and leave my lower underwear on and hop into bed.” I’m guessing this is where Maryn would leave.

So she leaves and I uh, follow her instructions. The bed was heated and I reassured myself that they definitely washed the sheets in between each massagee. I had my face in the little head thingy mathing. With the candles and the space hearter and the heated mattress it was pretty much toasty in there...I was almost asleep by the time she knocked. The music also didn’t help my general awareness. It was your standard new age instrumental stuff. Harps and chimes and background noises. My favorite was the cd that had this vocal lady softly and very highly singing “Ahhhhhhhhhoooooooo ooooh oooooh yoooouuuu are miiiinnnnnnnee oooooooh oooooooh AHHHHHHHHHHH” with synth noises and a chime and other coma-inducing instruments. I think this is when Lauren would leave.

I couldn’t see anything on account of the face thingy, but I heard her put some goopy goop on her hands. It ended up being like vapo-rub really hot you know? Gads everything in and about that room was hot. She went uh, pretty low down my back and that was a little awkward at first. Actually, the whole Stranger Touching My Naked Body thing was a little awkward, but I got over that once I started to feel wonderful muscle things. Basically I was incapable of movement, I was so chilled out. I’m thinking we would have lost Mom somewhere around when her hands touched body. Mom’s reaction: “AHHHHH!!! are you trying to KILL me??”

At first she was talking to me, hair salon style, and when she found out that I got the certificate from Dr. Heath because his daughter was in my class that provided some conversation. For example:
Her: “I’ve met sammy a couple times, real cutie.”
Me: “Uh, oh...yeah....cute...yep...”
Her: “She seems like the classic little princess type”
Me: “Uh, yeah, she’s...yeah ha ha yep...”
Her: “Pretty smart though right? Bright little kid?”
Me: “Well, yeah uh you know, yep pretty uh huh...”

She gave up pretty quickly. When she did my feet, I almost died, it was so ticklish, but it felt dang good. When they say full body, they mean full body, she even massaged my fingers. Every inch of me was covered in slimy vapo-goop. She told me while working on my back that it felt like something was “out of alignment” as if I knew what that meant. I expressed my unknowledge and she said that that was basically what Dr. Heath did all day. At that moment I heard another person moving around in the hall outside, and I remembered Jessica saying that we were all alone, which had kind of creeped me out (Perfect, we’re alone and I’m naked). I imagined all these scenarios in my head that it was actually Dr. Heath (better known to me as Sammy’s Daddy) out in the hall and that Jessica would say “Oh you know what, that’s probably him right now, let me just grab him and he can re-align you right now.” At which point she would go out into the hall, call my student’s dad into the room with my naked self and he would proceed to align me. It basically could not get much more awkward than that, so I was pretty relieved that my ridiculous imagination had once again overworked itself and Jessica went right on whacking my vertebrae.

Halfway through things I had to flip over, that was awkward since I really didn’t want to make eye contact with the woman who was touching me. The more anonymous and faceless the better, I have a similar feeling about eye contact with people cutting my hair. I kept my eyes closed while she kneaded my neck, shoulders, arms, hands, shins, calves, thighs, kneecaps, armpits, jaw...then she said we’re over and that I should get up slowly and come out front when I was ready.

It was wonderful. I felt like I had a new body. I was a little awkward the rest of the day, and kind of tired. Playing guitar was fun, right after a massage. I had a hard time playing any faster than one strum per measure.

So there you have it. Everyone rush out and get a massage, you’ll thank me when you’re lying naked in a hot bed with someone else’s goopy hands folding your shoulderblades backwards.



PS. I GOT A JOB.